Many have heard the saying “forgiveness is for you and not the person who harmed you. “ because it’s true. Everyone at some point has been hurt in their life. But there are some moments of hurt that many find difficult to get past. More than likely if your thinking about forgiveness than the person may have landed in one of the two categories of forgiveness. 

Think about someone who may have harmed you, to the point that you become upset and sever your relationship with them. Some may reach out to you, and sometimes they don’t.  In this circumstance you emotionally numb yourself to the person and or cut off access to your feelings of this person. Some people may say “I’m over it!” “I don’t think about them! “ But if it’s resolved, then why do you still get upset when the person is mentioned? Why do you avoid this person? If you truly forgive this person would you be able to mention them or interact with them in a neutral way? Will it upset you if they truly believed that they did nothing wrong?

On the other hand there are some people that may have harmed you and remained in your life. These are often best friends, family members, and significant others. These people are difficult to leave. They have connections deeply woven into your life with which you try to forge ahead to forgive. But it’s difficult ,no matter how hard you try to overlook their mistakes. They  seem to often remind you of the harm they have caused you.

Forgiveness isn’t easy but if you make small steps. These steps can provide the platform for healing and or a improving a relationship.

1. Accept

That anger, resentment and sadness is not moving you forward.You are the expert of your feelings, and since these feelings can be intense. Struggling with moving forward after being hurt can physically arrest you. Acceptance makes you aware of your emotions and the need to change.  
2. Mourn

Your true feelings.I suggest this is done in a private setting where you can be one with your emotions. After being fully aware of your emotions recognize where the hurt came from and realize that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel angry and at this moment feel the pain , feel it for what it is. I suggest a half hour or an hour if you need more time.

3. Congratulate

yourself for being honest with yourself and understanding that you were brave enough to face the hurt. Congratulate yourself for being there for yourself , and recognizing that you need change. 

4. Practice

Put it into actionAt this moment you will make a commitment to no longer allow this person to affect you. You will no longer see this person as the beast you once saw them as. This cant be done by numbing, since numbing is temporary. You have to truly believe that you will not allow this person or their actions to harm you. You will understand that their pain is their pain and not your problem.

5. Maintenance 

For many its tough to get to step 4 but it is possible. In order to maintain your peace you will nip negative statements in the bud. Anything that challenges your peace you will diffuse quickly. Similiar to a fire, you will put it out before it burns you down. 

If you are struggling with forgiveness and have something you would like to discuss, Call me at 908-350-8643 or email me at to schedule a session. I look forward to working with you.

Crystal Evans, LCSW,LCADC

Is this the end???

Is this the end???

Making a difficult choice...

Making a difficult choice...